it's a shame you don't know what you're running from

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“Because there’s nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it’s sent away.” ― Sarah Kay

 Growing up near the ocean creates a delicate need inside of you; it allows you to understand that most things are push and pull and sometimes, you have to let go in order to really get anything out of something. I've been pushing myself for a long time, but pulling back even more. This uncomfortable inability to obtain satisfaction is frustrating and, to be honest, it's getting old. I'm twenty two. Having to remind myself of this fact constantly is ridiculous. I'm going to be fine. Yeah, I'll never be twenty two and have my dream job. I'll never be twenty two and know where I'm going, or what the hell I'm even doing with my life. Maybe there's a bit more satisfaction in that. I can't keep responding to people, "Nothing." when they ask what I'm doing with my life. You know, it's really none of their business. I'll figure it out.

Rachel

I went down to the beach with my best friend, Rachel, last week. I couldn't have captured these without her help because I was so nervous. I haven't taken self-portraits in such a long time and I kept getting really self conscious because there were a handful of people around. Anyway, this felt good. I'm settling back into it, I think.

Whenever I know I'm not going to see someone for a while (case in point, when I moved out of Pittsburgh), people tell me to visit or keep in contact or just be a relevant piece of furniture in their far away lives. I always tell them, "You can't get rid of me that easily."

And, well, it's probably the truest thing about me. I'm not going anywhere, you can't get rid of me that easily.

post-movement

(flickr)

I officially moved out of Pittsburgh and into Delaware two weeks ago. It was weird to accept that a place I called my home for nearly 4 years was no longer that. Maybe it never really was, though. It's possible that Pittsburgh was just a pit stop. My final evening in the steel city, my parents and my closest friends went on an adventure to the casino and a few bars. It was absolutely perfect and I was so humbled by the lovely people that made it out.

(follow me on instagram @martzart)

Now, I'm back in Delaware saving as much as possible until my big move to New York City. After all this time of fighting with myself about where I wanted to be and where I needed to be, I finally stopped fighting. New York has been my first and only love since I was in third grade; I was hooked from the first moment I stepped off the bus and onto the concrete. Without fail, each time I've had the fortune of visiting, I've left a piece of myself in the big apple. So, to finally stop running from something I actually want, I quit my full-time job in Pittsburgh, let my lease end without looking for new housing, and came home to work at a job that I am only benefitting from financially. I'm also enjoying some time to re-brand myself and get my bearings. Living at the beach definitely has its perks.

I've had the chance to do some underwater images, hang out in my parent's garden, and visit friends from Pittsburgh who came to visit Ocean City.

Sam over at Style Thrice was in Ocean City last week with her family and best friends and I had so much fun visiting with them. Little pieces of summer are making me have a bit more patience with being home instead of working on my future right this second. I know, ultimately, I am working towards a huge goal. I can't wait to be in the city. It's going to be so incredibly difficult, and a lot of time and effort but I'm completely prepared for it and I am actually craving it.

I have a few more little surprises but you'll just have to wait and see.

-K